Happy Time!

Did you know that Nivea makes a soap called "Happy Time"?! Tell me this doesn't just make your day! Can you imagine being the person responsible for coming up with the name for this particular line? Was it some College placement student just fooling around with his buddies trying to see what kind of crappy ideas they could sneak in there? If it were me, I would have also pushed for "Smells Good" or "Makes You Clean". I wonder if Nivea has somehow found a way to sneak Prozac into their product....?

Pick A Floor, Any Floor

This morning at one of the local Sports Centres I watched two ladies step into an elevator, only to step out of it again, looking rather baffled, after the doors briefly closed and then reopened. They cursed the elevator, decided it was broken, and made their way over to the stairs. However, the stairs were blocked due to repairs. Grumbling, the ladies made their way back to the elevator. They stepped in, the doors closed, the doors opened, they stepped out.

Lady #1: It's broken! Why don't they post a sign if it's broken!
Lady #2: How are we going to get upstairs?!!

At this point an employee wandered past and asked what the problem was.

Lady #1: The elevator isn't working.
Lady #2: We get in, we press "1", and then the doors just reopen again.
Employee: (with a huge grin on his face): Well ma'am, this is the first floor. To get to the second floor, just press "2"!
Lady #1: Oh good lord, we're going senile!

I giggled the whole way home :)

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Sunday night I arrived at work and found a huge spiderweb near the front door. In the middle of that web was the biggest, freakiest looking spider I've ever seen. He must have been on steroids, or crack, or crystal meth, or something. He looked strung out. I practically crawled to the door to avoid getting jumped. My co-worker stared at me strangely as I tip toed up the stairs and into the living room. She began to give me the shift rundown, but I had to interrupt.

Me: Listen! There's something that I need you to do for me before you leave. It's really important!
Co-worker: Uh, sure. What?
Me: There's a deangerous, crack-dealing, body snatching spider outside, and I need you to "take him out". You know, like mobster style.
Co-worker: What? You want me to kill a spider? Why?
Me: Look. Lives are at stake here. There's no time to explain! Just grab a shoe and kill the bastard!
Co-worker: Okay.
Me: Really?
Co-worker: Yeah. Spiders don't scare me.

So off we went - Co-worker in the lead, holding a shoe; me cowering behind her wishing I had a baseball bat. She opened the front door and I pointed a trembling finger at the web, but there was nothing there. She broke up the web with the shoe and smacked the wall a few times for good measure. She assured me that the spider was probably long gone. I had my doubts, but I thanked her just the same.

The next morning I stuck my head out the door and searched for signs of a new web, or possibly a disgruntled spider with a gun. I saw neither. Relief washed over me. I carried on with my day as usual.

I arrived at work last night and checked again to see if the spider had returned. He hadn't. I dropped my guard and went about completing my evening duties. I was alone in the office, finishing some paperwork, when I realized that the blinds to the window had been left open. I casually reached over to close them, but froze, hand in mid air as I locked eyes with one big, bad ass, hairy, frothing-at-the-mouth, monster of a spider. He was outside, settled comfortably in the middle of the screen.

Me: Oh shit!
Spider: That's right. I'm back.
Me: Ohmygod I'm going to die!
Spider: Your little friend wrecked my home the other night, so I'm gonna hang out here now. Right here in this window. And as soon as I find a hole or a crack, I'm coming in.
Me: Ohmyfuckinggod I'm going to die!
Spider: Heh heh heh. I'll be watching you....ALL NIGHT!
Me: Fuck!!!

I forced my arm into motion and closed the blinds. This wouldn't have been such a big deal if the Staff Bed wasn't IN THE FRICKIN OFFICE!!!

I slept with one eye open, a shoe in one hand, and Raid bug spray in the other. By morning though, he was gone. I'm sure he went off somewhere in search of a stray cat or dog to feast on. I am considering hiring an exterminator to come to work with me tonight. I'll pay him to keep watch while I sleep. I wonder if the agency will foot the bill for that....?

Staring Right Back At Me

Last night I dreampt of college kids who turned out to be zombies that were hell bent on killing me. I would wake up every hour, look at the clock and think, "Is this dream ever going to end?". Then I would fall right back into the same dream and continue to be chased by evil, well dressed, slightly snotty co-ed students. It was exhausting. The freakiest part of my dream was when I had a hold of one of the zombies and I was about to kill her by breaking her neck. But when I looked down at her face, I realized I was looking at myself. I was the zombie, yet I was also the one holding the zombie. I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't break her/my neck. So I just sat there on the ground holding her in a headlock until my alarm went off.

I know there's some deep hidden meaning in all of this...!

(And no, I wasn't watching any horror movies before I went to bed!!)

My Place or Yours?

My landlord is a quiet, shy, lovely man from Greece. I enjoy talking with him, because I love the way he draws out his vowels and pauses thoughtfully before each sentence.

He happened to be outside working on the front garden a few days ago:

Me: Hi John! The garden looks amazing!
John: ....Yeees. Yeees it does. ...Thank you.
Me: Listen, my toilet is broken. I was wondering if it's in the lease for you to fix it or for me to fix it.
John: ....Broken? Hmmmmm.... Would you liiiike me to fiixx it?
Me: Yes please!
John: ...Okaaay, I can do that for you. Okaaay.
Me: That would be wonderful, thank you.
John: ...I am in the garden riiight now though.
Me: Whenever you can get to it is fine.
John: ...Okaaay. ....Okaaay. I will fiiix your broken toilet soon. Soon is not riiight now though, okay?
Me: Gottcha.

My toilet was fixed in less than 24 hours. I could very easily have gone out, bought the part, and fixed it myself, but I'm renting. It doesn't make sense to put money and effort into a place that I don't own.

When I was first looking at the apartment, John said, "If the stove breaks down I will fix it, but if it's your fault, you will pay to have it fixed. Like, for example, if you hit it with a hammer, you will have to pay for that". He then stared at me with such seriousness in his eyes that I couldn't help but say, "I promise to keep my tools away from all the kitchen appliances". After that he seemed to be in a much happier mood as he showed me the rest of the apartment. I wonder what the last tenant was like...?

Superhero Sighting?

We were hoping for a shop with a surplus of goats, but found this instead. The hunt continues...

I found out last night that I have the superhuman ability to move at the speed of light at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was in the middle of a dream about Jessica Simpson selling cosmetics at a local department store when suddenly there was a loud bang, followed by a yell and a crash from upstairs. I don't remember leaping out of bed, nor do I remember flying up the stairs (I'd like to believe that I actually flew, and since I can't remember, I'm going say that I did). I wound up standing in the middle of one of the bedrooms looking around frantically for either a crazed man with a baseball bat, or Spiderman (seriously, wouldn't it have been cool if he had shown up!). Anyway, it turned out that someone had just gotten up to use the washroom and accidentally slammed the door. This woke up the rest of the house and caused some cursing and pillow throwing. I trudged back down the stairs thankful that we were all safe, but secretly saddened that Spiderman hadn't been hiding in the closet.

Medicine Man

During my most recent visit to the Doctor's office:

Me: I'm really tired all the time.
Doctor: Your blood tests show you have no iron or vitamin B12 left in your body.
Me: Well that would explain the unusual bruises and narcolepsy...
Doctor: You might want to increase your iron supplements and consider B12 shots.
Me: Zzzzzzzzz.......